THE CONCEPT OF APOLOGIZING AND FORGIVING!

It took me sometime to make another post, this is because I wanted to prepare something diferent for my fellow youths. I wrote this through the knowledge I got from different books and personal experience. I hope you will understand it!
Thanks.

THE CONCEPT OF APOLOGIZING AND FORGIVING!

By; Stephen P. Mokiwa
www.stevpm.blogspot.com
June, 2009

Every one makes mistakes in daily lives, and at one point we need to make an apology so as to make relationship with others back to normal again. There is no way someone can stand and say he/she is always right.

What is a ‘mistake’?
- According to Oxford Advanced Learners dictionary it defines a ‘mistake’ as ‘an action or opinion that is foolish or wrong’’
From this you can have a clear picture on how many mistakes you do in a week if not everyday.

How we do mistakes.
These mistakes can be of two forms, and that is as an action or as an opinion.

Going back to your dictionary we can see that an action is the process of doing something, and that is by the use of energy of influence. Therefore a good example of the mistakes we do under action we can express them simply as; being in the wrong place at right time, doing right things at wrong place, doing wrong things to right things (destroy someone’s or public property). So simply we can say these are mistakes which are as a result of our physical deeds/conduct/manners or behaviors.

An opinion can be simply defined as a belief or judgment about somebody or something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. For this opinion to bring an effect it must be expressed, and the major way of expression of these opinions should be in words.
Major difference between opinion mistakes and action based mistakes is the way each is performed. Action based mistakes are activity in nature while opinion mistakes are spoken beliefs of judgments.
Remind you,
1. A belief or judgment might be right (Example;you think someone is a
thief –it might be true or not true)
Therefore an opinion before spoken it can be wrong or right.

2. An opinion can be a view/ belief/ judgment/ outlook/ idea.

Therefore we can have two types of opinion based mistakes
a. Speaking right things at wrong time (Example; speaking of a football game to your friend who is busy studying.)
b. Speaking of an idea you can’t prove. (Example; sharing with your friend about your thought that someone is a thief while there is no proof for it. It might be you saw him stealing but it’s only you who saw it-so it can’t be proved. )
NB; Everyone will take you as you have committed a mistake by you claiming someone is a thief while you can’t prove it. So it’s a result you did not want though your intentions were good.

Effects of Mistakes may be hurting you friend(s) even though this wasn’t what you wanted or expected.


APOLOGIZING

There is need for us to understand some concepts before we move on;

To apologize ‘is to say that you are sorry for something wrong or causing a problem’

An apology is ‘a word or statement saying sorry for something that has been done wrong or that causes a problem’.

Remind you, we are all human we do mistakes here and there. So doing mistakes is not what matters most but what matters most is how responsible or accountable do we feel after doing them. The feeling of responsibility or accountable is the guilty emotion we get after realizing the mistakes we just did.

The guilty emotion/feeling is important, because it drives us to the act of apologizing.

Plus,
the higher the guilty emotion/feeling the higher the possibility of not repeating the same mistake.
I mean no matter what type of mistake you committed the emotional pain (caused by the guilty feeling) will force you to recheck your steps and tune yourself to avoid repeating the same mistake.

Therefore we can say,
the guilty emotion/feeling, which causes emotional pain, is important in the process of apologizing. This is because it acts as a driving force to the need of apologizing.


YOU NOW WANT TO APOLOGIZE,
BUT HOW?
This is where most of us face difficulties. We have realized that we have committed a mistake (be a direct one or indirect one), and we feel the guilt (mostly as a result of a direct mistake) or the emotional pain (mostly as a result of indirect mistakes).

These feelings drives us to the need of apologizing, remind you when I talk about apologizing it includes apologizing for the un-intended or indirect mistakes e.g. talking about someone being a thief and you can’t prove it and now everyone is pointing his finger at you. There is no any other way you can make everything alright than apologizing; telling it out un-considerate of the outcome was a mistake so make everything alright by taking that blame, taking it by apologizing.

This is the only way you will free your mind from emotional pain and return the life to normal as it was before. Am talking about avoiding emotional pain because the act of all your friends/mates have doubts about (suspicion) what you have said/claimed, will lead them to have a certain view of you that will hurt you psychologically. But believe me if you will decide to stand and be responsible of what you have said it will give a you a clear of mind and rebuild the relationship/association you had with your mates.

Therefore you will have to take the outcome of what you can’t prove (though deeply it’s a true thing and you know you are right) as an indirect mistake, and the only way to make everything alright isn’t the power of arguing but an apology.


Note there are difference between forms and types of mistakes;

Forms;
1. Action based mistakes
2. Opinion based mistakes
Types;
1. Direct mistakes (deeply inside you know you are guilty of them, meaning you did the wrong actions or opinions purposively at a given time).
2. Indirect mistakes (you did or said a right thing, but now everyone believes negatively about you. Everyone considers/believes that you are guilty and you can’t make them see the truth, meaning you can’t prove your innocence).

Every type of a mistake has its own way of apologizing. This is because as we see there is a big difference between these two types of mistakes therefore each type has its own way of apologizing.

Here is the interesting part, lets see;
Þ APOLOGIZING FOR DIRECT MISTAKES.
As I pointed earlier these type of mistakes is always accompanied by the high feeling of guilty inside you, and it’s very easy for you to realize it because it’s from a intended action/opinion.

What and how to do it!
After realizing the need of apologizing, this is either by personal will or due to pressure from your mates/society you need to sit down and reflect on the importance of apologizing and the right things to say in your apology;

Remember the right and true reasons of you doing a specific action or saying a specific opinion that the society and personally you know its wrong.
Don’t lie!


Go to the person(s) you did/said wrong about, and tell him/her (/them) how sorry you are about what you did or said about. Make sure there nothing like joking in it, because no one accepts cheap apology. Make sure you mean what you say, articulate how sad you of the outcome of the mistake you did. If there is any way you can make up for it then promise to do it and do it.

Listen to his/her opinions no matter how mad s/he (/them) will be to you, stay calm and absorb what is said. Something may sound stupid to you but as long as you real need the apology stay calm and wait, never arise any arguments.

At the same time be brief avoid speaking too much because in real sense the person(s) you did wrong will automatically want to express their feelings so give them time and encourage them to take out all their pain/grievances through words. Stay calm and show concentration in what is said, where they want your participation be co operative.

At the end shake hands and promise not to repeat the mistake again, and let this be the truth. I understand mistakes happen but make sure that no matter what you avoid getting into the same mistake again.
Understand the value of living happily with people in your given society, be school, office or at home!


Þ APOLOGIZING FOR INDIRECT MISTAKES.
Wooh! I hope am not tiring you up, am I? I Guess No!
Now lets come to the way of apologizing for indirect mistakes, this type of mistakes always bring a lot of problems when it comes to apologizing. This is because someone knows s/he is right by saying/doing a certain thing plus the personal human ego that sees the act of apologizing as the biggest way of underestimating one’ self.

But I want to tell you that, the act of apologizing when you are supposed to is a highest way of showing the degree of maturity and civilization.

What and How to do it!
First you have to calm down and think about what has happened e.g. everyone is mad at you for saying or doing a certain act that you are sure you are aren’t guilty of or claiming a certain thing that you now can’t prove it to them.

Think about the disadvantages that will take place if you won’t take any step toward finding a solution to the situation. Maybe you have already even argued a lot to convince them but it didn’t work out, and now you asking yourself ‘what the hell have I done?’ regretting no matter how good your intentions were for saying or doing a certain act that everyone now sees you just committed one of the biggest mistake and you can’t prove your good intentions.
Automatically you will find yourself with need for a different friendly approach than arguing, so as to return everything back to normal. Make everything alright!

The second step after that is you setting your mind to accept a mistake and show others that you are as sorry and guilty as claimed!
I promise you after you apologizing if you aren’t real guilty sometime someday when everything is nearly totally forgotten someone will realize your innocence. And know that,
it doesn’t matter how many people trust you what matters is how much you trust yourself!

The third step is for you to follow the person(s) you did the mistake to (remind you it’s an indirect mistake), and give an apology (‘a word or statement saying sorry for something that has been done wrong or that causes a problem’).
The difference here from the way an apology is in ‘direct mistakes’ is that in apologizing for indirect mistakes you may need even to lie so as to convince the other people on how sorry you are.

Let me be clear here,
For “indirect mistakes you may need even to lie so as to convince the other people on how sorry you are. All with the aim of creating a better understanding in the given society”

I am saying this because of psychological reason and that is it’s very difficult for someone to accept an apology that s/he believes the other person isn’t feeling guilty of. The point here is that express how much you feel guilty and sorry of what has happened without keeping yourself out of it even though deeply inside you know you aren’t guilty as s/he (/them) claims.

Next steps are just like the ones for direct mistakes and that are;

Make sure there nothing like joking in it, because no one accepts cheap apology. Make sure you mean what you say, articulate how sad you of the outcome of the mistake you did. If there is any way you can make up for it then promise to do it and do it.

Listen to his/her opinions no matter how mad s/he (/them) will be to you, stay calm and absorb what is said. Something may sound stupid to you but as long as you real need the apology stay calm and wait, never arise any arguments.

One thing that you should keep in your mind through all the process of apologizing for indirect mistakes is that;
You are not selfish, you are not thinking of yourself only,
But what matters to you is all society’s or friends’ happiness, and that is what life is.
As long as the people around you are smiling to you, you will automatically smile back, but think about all people passing you without smiling to you, you will feel the whole world hating you.
The moment you open your mind to unselfish attitudes you will find getting what you never expected from your friends! So take it simple,
Apologize for indirect mistakes because at the end of the day they remain to be mistakes!


FORGIVING!

Let’s first see the ‘forgiving’ in a nutshell. Forgiving is the willing to forgive somebody, from oxford advanced learner’s dictionary (7TH Edition) ‘forgive’ is describe as;
Forgive1 – ‘to stop feeling angry with somebody who has done something to harm, annoy or upset you; to stop feeling angry with yourself’

It’s very bad when someone does or says something that ends up hurting us mainly by spoiling our reputation and respect. It always hurt the most when people we real trusted and respected ending hurting us.

Sometimes we end up hating them and believe that they don’t even deserve our forgiveness.

But what we forget is don’t us also making mistakes in our lives? Are always right? Do hating someone the real cure? Meaning is it making everything alright? Do we think optimal? Meaning, do we consider the nature of the mistake done? Was intended?

If you ask yourself those questions you will automatically see what am talking about, and that is the realization of presence of indirect and indirect mistakes. And knowing that,
Through forgiving we show ‘the highest degree of maturity and civilization that we have’.

We show that we understand the human nature and that is no body has ever lived twice, therefore we live and learn from our mistakes being direct or indirect mistakes. Through forgiving someone we give a chance to someone to review and renew his/her attitude/behavior through the advice we give them when they ask for our forgiveness.

What I mean here is that until someone has decided to come to ask for your forgiveness that person has passed through an emotional journey that many can’t.
It’s worth forgetting our ego, and offer forgiveness and forgets the past. Knowing that us too one day one time we will need forgiveness from people we love the most be either due to direct or indirect mistakes that we did to them.


In the other side of a coin, if you are the person who needs forgiveness from a person(s) you committed a mistake to, by the time you decide to go to apologize you should know these two things;
You can be forgiven.
You can also not be forgiven.

I want to tell you that what matters most is the realization of your mistake.
Learning from mistakes and change worth more happiness than forgiveness of 1000000000000000 people!

Why am I saying so?
Think of it, all those people forgiving you then two days later you commit the same mistake! It’s not worth it!
And even if someone hasn’t forgiven you but your changes after the mistake measures/worth more in front of your God and noble people/optimal thinkers than forgiveness without change.

Am ending up saying that,
Through forgiving and apologizing, we show how civilized, humanized, considerate, unselfish, loving, caring and educated we are!
And remember,
Apologize for indirect mistakes because at the end of the day they remain to be mistakes!
Keep no hate in your heart pal!